


You're Still Holding On

by Iyearnforaplotadvancement



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Pining, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Team Bonding, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:55:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21788611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iyearnforaplotadvancement/pseuds/Iyearnforaplotadvancement
Summary: A small smile graces his lips. It’s subtle at first and then it softens into something rueful and finally bittersweet. “It’s you,”
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Playlist that I used to write:
> 
> Blackwaters- Timber Timbre  
> Can't Help Falling In Love- The Killers  
> Romeo and Juliet- Dire Straits  
> Idon'twannabeyou when the party's over (Billie Eilish)- Devil Clefs

“Again-!”

Rey’s hands tighten on her saber. The sweat rolls down her face and is washed away by the ocean waters.

She feels powerful; powerful enough to knock him into the next solar system, the next galaxy, the next universe even. But for some unfathomable reason she won’t, she can’t.

“I said-“

“-I heard you the first time,” She says. Her voice is barely above a mumble. But he can hear her. He can always hear her.

Her first steps are shaky. But she still moves, her feet still walk, her body still advances. About halfway to him she picks up the pace, her saber rises above her and bares down on the red bar of light in front of her. She screams, it’s a primal sound that claws its way out of her. It’s an act of defiance.

She will not let Kylo Ren win.

Kylo pushes his saber against her’s. He bares down on her with every molecule of his being.

His eyes are black and feral. Everything about him resembles a wild animal. Snarling mouth, animalistic growls, rabid ferocity. He is the monster the Rebellion tells their children about; the one who hides under beds and in closets, the one who will whisk them away to the dark corners of the universe if they’re not careful.

He’s the enemy and yet, she thinks she can help him.

She can’t fix him. He’s not a machine. And people aren’t meant to be fixed anyways. They shouldn’t be repaired to the states they were in before their breaking, they should evolve instead.

Rey breaks their stalemate by dropping down and sliding through his legs. She thrusts her feet into his back and sends him toppling forward.

Rey glances to her side and sees Poe and Finn cheering her on from an adjacent metal heap.

Rey remembers it now.

Her, Kylo, a bolt of lightning that struck the metal and dashed them into the ocean.

Now she was stranded on a peninsula of junk, trapped with The Supreme Leader of the First Order.

Rey huffed and jumped to her feet, just as she narrowly evaded a swing of Kylo’s blade. Rey stood and swung her saber back at Kylo Ren.

It threw him off balance enough to put distance between the two.

“This only ends one way,” Rey shouts over the waves and the rain. “Ben, please. Don’t make me fight you,”

“What should I do then? Let you win? Let you take me home like a lost dog?” Kylo spits back. “It would never work,” Kylo continues, his voice and demeanor softer, “We can’t move your way,”

“We can’t move your way either,” Rey responds. “So what do we do?”

Kylo’s face becomes a parade of emotions then, apprehension, hope, fear, anger, and then finally cold resolve. She fears this Kylo, this new, focused, centered man. She was certain she could change his mind before, now she’s less certain. Now she might have to kill him.

“Last chance, Rey,” Kylo says, lowering his lightsaber.

Rey keeps up her guard. Her eyes shift nervously from her friends on the adjacent barge and Kylo.

Kylo extends his hands towards her. He looks down at his outstretched hand and clenches his fist. He disengages the lightsaber and pulls his glove off with his opposite hand. Again he offers her his hand.

“I’ve seen our futures, they’re fuzzy, but tangible and _real_. I don’t care where we go. I just need you by my side,” Kylo begs. “Forget the Resistance, forget the First Order, we’ll carve a new path in the galaxy for us,”

Rey closes her eyes and grinds her teeth. She searches for that future in the Force. She sifts through all the images they show her and in them she cannot find the one with her and Ben. Only her and Kylo.

She opens her eyes and her face says it all. “I’m sorry, Ben,”

“Don’t be,” he assures her. His hand still lingers for a moment as if allowing her one last out. When she doesn’t reach back, he lowers his hand and engages his lightsaber once more.

“Is there really too much darkness in me to look past? Am I gone?” Kylo asks, his voice as flat as the look in his eyes.

Rey does not answer and it’s more than she could have said with her words.

“Again-,” Kylo shouts.

Rey musters up her strength and charges towards him.

Their light sabers clash as the ocean churns. Her friend’s shouts are lost on the wind.

She evades, she ducks, she dodges. Kylo scores a hit off her bare shoulder and she cries out in pain. She kicks him back and strikes downwards, only to be blocked by him.

They struggle, she falls and recovers. She fights through the pain, through the noise and the cold and the sadness.

She cannot let Kylo Ren win.

“Again-!” Kylo screams and the winds seem to scream with him.

She slashes at him wildly, forgetting her technique and training. Kylo easily parries her slashes and swings and scores one more hit to her thigh. Rey shouts as the saber sears her skin. She falls to her knees. Her chest burns for oxygen and her heart longs for the end.

“I don’t want to kill you,” Says Kylo as he kneels before her, “I’d rather watch it all burn. Everyone. Everything,”

“That’s our problem,” Rey says, her voice shaky. “I don’t want to kill you either. You’re not a monster. You’re-you're my… _friend_. But for the safety of everyone and the galaxy…I’ll do it. Even if it kills me inside. Even if I am miserable for everyday of the rest of my life. I’ll do it for them,”

Kylo scoffs at her, “Why? Why do you risk your life for these people,”

“Because that’s what I would want someone to do for me,” Rey rises to her feet, wobbling horribly from the cold and her injuries.

Even now, broken and exhausted as she is, she’s ready to defy him till her very last breath…which by the state of her might be very soon.

Kylo looks at her impassively. She’s so beautiful.

“Again,” Rey says.

And Kylo obliges her.

Their sabers clash, sparks fly. But Rey seems invigored now. Her mind is rapidly clearing while his is rapidly clouding. He cannot bring himself to finish her off and yet at the same time he doesn’t want to die. He knows there is only way this fight ends.

He misses her swing and her saber slices vertically up his arm. Her next swing burns his knee. He grunts in pain as the smell of burnt fabric and flesh invade his senses. Rey cuts him on the side and knocks the side of his head with the blunt end of her lightsaber. He falls to his knees.

Kylo looks up at her just before she delivers her killing blow.

Her face is not angry, not triumphant. Her face is sad.

Fat tears roll down her cheeks as her brows knit together in a look of pure anguish.

He wishes he could tell her everything in that moment. All the menial details about his life, his secret hopes and wishes no one else knew, his pain, his joy…his love. His lips part as if he’s going to, but then comes Rey’s lightsaber across his chest. The sharp, sensation stops any thought he has and replaces it with pain.

Kylo falls back onto the wet ground in a heap. His breath is shallow as his sight becomes fuzzy.

He can only hear Rey’s sobs, he can only feel her as she kneels next to him.

“-Only you-,” he breathes as she cups his face.

“Why?” she sobs into his chest.

“I’m sorry,” he chokes out.

He swallows, a particularly painful action. Rey’s hand lies on his cheek.

Shakily, Kylo reaches for it with his degloved hand. Rey stops her sobs long enough to look him in the eyes as he entwines his fingers with her’s.

“At night…when I can’t sleep…I imagine an ocean, an island-,” he whimpers.

Rey’s tears begin again.

“Tell me I’m not alone, Rey,”

“You’re not, Ben. You’re not, I’m here-,” she says between sobs, “I’m right here,”

His fingers loosen their grip as he fades away. 

When the storm finally dies, Poe, Finn, and the Resistance recover her and Kylo from the scrap heap.

She still holds his body. The look of exhaustion on her face is enough to bring Finn to the brink of tears.

It’s over. At least.

He embraces Rey and lets her sob into his shoulder.

Poe side steps them and begins to move Kylo’s body.

“Wait-,” Rey says, reaching out for him. “Don’t-,”

“You want to leave him here?” Poe asks.

Rey shakes her head. She gives The Supreme Leader one last look and then folds his hands over his chest, his saber tucked safely between his hands.

“I want to give him a proper burial,”

Poe’s face twists in confusion, “You’re kidding,”

Rey’s cold face is all Poe needs to know. He throws up his hands in defense. “Tell me where you want me to dig the hole,” he says, defeated.

“Not here,” Rey says, wiping her face.

The trio end up bringing the body with them on the ship. Their ship returns to their mothership.

Doctors descend upon the body; for cleaning, for cataloging, for whatever they do with cadavers in space.

Rey makes scant conversation and retreats to her temporary quarters.

She showers, she dresses, and finally- _finally_ \- she lies down. Her body and her heart ache in tandem. She tries to think of a silver lining. The war might finally be over. She’s won. She’s saved the galaxy.

All at the cost of her heart.

She almost laughs at herself. That was truly a small price to pay for the safety of billions. How selfish she was being right now. She thinks of Ben in that moment. She reaches out into the force and searches for him, but even there she can’t find him.

_He wouldn’t call you selfish, he would know exactly what you’re thinking._

The reality that he was lying dead just down the hall from her had brought fresh tears to her eyes. She covers her face with her hands and sobs once more.

A soft knock came at her door. She holds back her tears long enough to answer.

“It’s me,” Finn said.

“Come in,” Rey said softly.

Finn half waves at his friend and makes his way to her bed. He sit on the edge and offers her his arms.

Rey crawls into them and rests her head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, this isn’t becoming of a Jedi,” she jokes through her tears.

“No, but it’s becoming of a war hero,”

“Is that what I am now?”

“You almost single-handedly stopped a war, so I’d say so,” Finn says rubbing her arm for good measure. They settle into silence as the solar system outside her window grow smaller and smaller. “I won’t tell I know how you feel, because I don’t. But I’m willing to understand if you’re willing to let me,”

“Thank you, Finn,” Rey whispers.

Hours later, she falls into a deep sleep. Her body has finally caught up with her mind and within seconds after Finn’s departure, she’s out.

She is woken by a loud, frantic knock at her door. She’s barely awake when she’s out of bed. Her door opens and there stands a panicked looking Poe.

_What now?_

“..he’s gone, completely-…blaster…one of the pods-,”

Rey shakes her head, trying to make sense of what Poe is shouting at her, “I-I-Poe, slow down. What’s wrong?”

Poe’s lips form a taut line, then he says, “It’s Ren. He hopped an escape pod and took off,”

Rey’s eyes widen, “What-?”

“He’s not dead-,” Poe states in a disappointed tone. “But we will be if we don’t find that SOB and put him out of his misery,”

Poe lingers a moment more, looking at his friend and Resistance fighter curiously. “You got all that?”

“Yes-I’m just…How?”

“I was actually hoping you’d know,” Poe says flatly.

Rey shakes her head. “I can’t…I need time to…’recharge’ before we tackle this situation,”

“You don’t wanna jump on this now before he scrambles his fighters?”

“We’re in the farthest corner of the galaxy. He’s in an escape pod that’s not even fitted for hyperspace. I think we’ll have enough time for me to sleep things off for a little,”

Poe nods, “You’re right. Get some rest. I’ll come bother you in a few hours,”

Rey turns back into her room, back towards her bed, and climbed in. She lies down and stares up at the ceiling. Once again she reaches out into the force. She finds no traces of Kylo Ren. Not even of Ben Solo.


	2. Chapter 2

“This is a message from Supreme Leader Hux-,”

“-Oh what the fuck-,” Poe grumbles as the transmission plays.

Finn, Rey, and the rest of the Resistance join together in the bridge of the ship. Their breaths are held in anticipation.

Finn’s brow furrows, Rey crosses her arms, and the rest of the Resistance collectively riot.

“-The Resistance has murdered Supreme Leader Kylo Ren-,”

Poe looks at his cohorts curiously. Rey shrugs.

The whole ship knows Kylo Ren’s gone. Whoever was supposed to guard his body was properly punished. But is seems The First Order hasn’t caught on yet.

Rey sees it register on Poe’s face the moment she thinks it.

This could be an advantage.

“Any word on our boy?” Poe asks, peaking over Rey’s shoulder.

Rey shakes her head and leans away from her map, “Nothing,”.

For the last four months they’ve been tracking his whereabouts.

Meanwhile the Resistance is back on the front lines keeping The Order at bay while Rey plays possibly the worst game of hide and seek.

“Can’t you just use your force-thingy?” Poe asks, leaning on the table next to her.

Rey shakes her head, again. “I’ve tried. I can’t…I can’t feel him,”

Poe raises an eyebrow, “What does that mean? I thought the force was like-like,” Poe waves his hands in the air with a vague gesture.

“Magic?”

The pilot smiles, “A little?”

Rey smiles too, “The force is an energy that exists between and to all things in the universe. Everyone is connected to it…unless they cut themselves off from it,”

“Is that what happened when he ‘died’?” Poe asked. “Did he get cut off?”

“No. I could still find him,” Rey says, “He’s shut himself away from it,”

“Which probably means he doesn’t want to be found,” Poe concludes. With a snap of his head he curses, “Well shit-,”

A stray laser beam narrowly misses Finn’s head.

Rey bats it back to over their makeshift barrier with her lightsaber.

The laser hits a Stormtrooper in the chest, sending the soldier to the ground.

“Where’s Poe?”

“-Right above ya’,” a voice crackles over Finn’s communications ear-piece.

Rey and Finn look above them as Poe lowers their escape craft.

“What took you so long?” Finn asks as he climbs aboard.

“Wanted to make a dramatic entrance,”

Rey scoffs as she uses the force to stop a barrage of lasers in midair. “Let’s get moving, shall we?”

Poe closes up the doors to the ship and blasts out of the atmosphere, back into the inky void of space.

When the coast seems clear enough, Poe looks over his shoulder and gives his friends a huge, cheesy grin. “So, what’d ya find?”

Rey pulls her pack around to her front and fishes out an item, “This, the Wayfinder Device,”

“Neat?”

“It’ll help us find the Sith Fleet,”

Poe’s eyes grow wide with recognition. A beeping from the ship’s dashboard takes his attention. He looks back at his friends, “I guess that’s why our friends are so hellbent getting it, huh?”

Finn’s eyes lock onto a monitor that shows advancing First Order crafts.

“Rey, I’m on guns,” Finn says, climbing down into the lower part of the ship.

“Looks like you’re up here with me, Kiddo, catch-!” Poe tosses a headset to Rey as she scrambles into the co-pilot seat. She stashes the Wayfinder Device between her thighs and as she flips switches and engages the thrusters.

“Finn, how we doing there?” Poe asks.

“Bad, really, _really,_ bad,” Finn replies. “I can’t get a clear shot,”

“No-no, c’mon buddy happy beeps here,” Poe turns the steering column violently to the side, sending the craft careening to the side.

“Rey, I need you to drop thrusters on my mark, alright? We’re gonna get behind the troopers so Finn can get a good shot, okay? On my mark-,”

“Ready-,”

Poe does a few more maneuvers that narrowly miss the blasts of the troopers behind them.

“Now-!”

Rey drops the thrusters and the ship seemingly drops out of motion. The craft falls slightly, the speeding troopers fly right past them. Rey engages the thrusters once more which sends the whole ship speeding forwards.

Finn fires off a few clean blasts before the rest of the remaining troops catch on and turn around. But by then Poe’s already positioned them over the last ship. Finn sends a final shot out that blows the remaining craft to pieces.

The trio collectively let out a celebratory ‘hurrah’. But it’s short lived when several more enemy ships phase into view.

“-Oh fuck me-,” Poe says, gripping the wheel again. “Hit the thrusters, Rey-,”

Rey once more engages the thrusters. The ship shoots forwards like a rocket, only to be accosted by another First Order ship. Finn from the gunner’s nest fires off a few shots. But they bounce off the enemy’s ship and shoot right back into the trio’s.

Poe dashes to the floor, pulling Rey along with him as the blasts damage the dash and crack the glass.

“Ahh-Jedis can breathe in space, right?” Poe asks as he watches the crack in the glass grow wider.

“No-,”

“Hmph-get down to the gunner’s side, now!”

Within a matter of seconds, she and Poe are in the bowels of this ship. Poe locks the hatch above them and engages the emergency air lock.

“Okay, cockpit’s totaled. What did they have on their ship? A shield?” Poe asks aloud.

“Whatever it is-, they’re all covered in it. Look,” Finn says, pointing to the other ships. “I blast any of them, it’ll just bounce off and hit us,”

“Why aren’t _they_ firing at us?” Rey asks, looking out at the numerous enemy ships surrounding them.

“Transmission-,” Poe said, engaging the communication link.

“This is Supreme Leader Hux-,”

“-Man he loves that title,” Poe quips under his breath.

“-We are ordering your surrender and the return of stolen property,”

Rey sneers at the hologram.

“-Failure to comply within 3 minutes will result in the immediate death of everyone aboard. We’ll await your response,”

Rey rolls her eyes, “What do we do?”

Poe makes a face, “There’s nothing we can do, I can’t pilot from here. We’re not even equipped with an escape pod,”

“We’re completely surrounded,”

“Let’s get taken hostage. We’ll steal a pod off their ship-,” Rey suggests.

“What if they just kill us when they board?” Finn asks.

“Ah-yeah hey, Supreme Leader Hugs?” Poe calls, pushing the ‘respond’ button.

“Yes?” Hux replies, with an edge.

“Yeah our top deck is blown to shit and it’s the only way into the lower deck. So I’m not even sure how you’re gonna get your little- thingy-,”

A rumbling cuts Poe’s rant short as the ship begins moving forward.

“Oh don’t worry, we have our ways,” Hux answers.

“Tractor beams, damn we gotta get one,” Poe says, kneeling down to a locked safe chest.

“Finn, strap up, Buddy,” Finn removes himself from the gunner seat and catches the stray blaster. Poe shoots his friend a confident smile as he checks his own blaster.

Rey raises a brow, “Why does he get a blaster and I don’t?”

“You kidding me? You got that glowy sword thing and the-,” Poe wiggles his fingers in front of his face, “-You know? You’re good-,”

Rey laughed through her nose, “It was an honor fighting with you, Poe Dameron,”

“You too, Rey-,”

“Stop talking like we’re gonna die, please,” Finn whines, taking his blaster off safety.

The remains of their craft pull into the enemy’s ship. A moment later Stormtroopers come and break the airlock in.

The boys aim their guns, Rey engages her lightsaber.

Poe and Finn fire off a few shots that kill a few a soldiers. But then everything goes quiet. Curiously, the trio emerge and find themselves standing in the loading doc of the enemy ship. Around them lay the smoldering corpses of Stormtroopers.

Rey’s wide eyes sweep the grounds and finally land on _him._

Standing there, clad in his tattered black uniform. He looks just as he did that day by the ocean. But something is different about him.

Kylo’s eyes are no longer flat. They are teeming with life and emotion.

His name just barely leaves her lips.

He acts as if he hears her and he almost smiles.

Almost.

“Get aboard,” He says in his baritone voice. He points to a prepped, unmarked ship that is primed for departure.

“Um-,” Finn utters.

“I’m not asking questions, let’s go-,” Poe says as he makes his way to the ship.

Rey starts walking and then stops. “You’re not coming with us?”

“No. I have something else I need to do-,”

Rey makes a face. She searches her heart for words and then settles on a few, “Be safe,”

“I’ll try,”

The thundering trod of feet signals Rey to leave, best not to linger. She gives Kylo one last glance before boards the ship.

He renders aid in small gifts. Sometimes in a tight spot he’ll show up to draw blaster-fire. Other times he sends coordinates anonymously (even though she always knows it’s him). Occasionally, he shows with an evacuation ship when things become desperate. But no matter how many times Rey asks, no matter how much she begs, he never boards with the Resistance.

Months later, they’re pinned down by Hux’s new army.

A squad of Troopers get the jump on Rey.

When she comes to she’s being hauled away by them. She acts quickly and dispatches the Troopers.

She remembers at the end of her battle that she was to meet her friends. She was supposed to draw enemy fire while the escaped on another ship.

Frantically, she races back to where she had left her space craft.

When she finds it gone she assumes the worst and rushes to the last place she had seen her friends.

When she arrives she is greeted by the sound of another ship preparing for takeoff.

She bursts through a grove of bushes and into sight of whoever-whatever- lies in front of them.

Poe stands at the loading end of the ship. He’s waving everyone in, scanning the horizons for stragglers.

His eyes lock onto Rey and he smiles wide, “Rey!” he says with a smile. But then his smile melts away into confusion. “Wait, who’s drawing the fire?”

Simultaneously, their heads crane towards the sky where Rey’s small fighter jet is artfully evading enemy ships. The fighter jet loops back and swoops low enough to give Rey a clear-if fleeting-look into the cockpit.

It’s Kylo.

On and off, the Resistance finds themselves in precarious situations and on and off they find themselves being saved last minute by Kylo Ren.

Hux and his army are both enraged and afraid of the phantom soldier. The Resistance starts a rumor that it’s the ghost of Kylo Ren, hellbent on destroying what is left of the First Order.

During these excursions, he always stays close to the fringes of the battle. When the Resistance takes back the field, when they no longer struggle, he disappears until the next time he is needed.

The final showdown happens.

The Wayfinder Device finds them the Sith Fleet. Their commander is defeated. The day is saved.

But there is still much to clean up in the wake of The First Order’s destruction.

For one, Hux is still alive and still manages a sizeable militia that can grow if unchecked. For seconds, there is now a giant power vaccum. And lastly, somewhere, out there in the dark and cold of space, Kylo Ren lives.

Rey pretends that the last fact doesn’t bother her. But she cannot shake her memories of him, nor her fascination.

She can think of a few reasons why he would cut himself off from the Force, why he would go on the run. But for the life of her she cannot understand why he continues to help.

There are things she’d like to ask, questions she wants answered. But ultimately these things take time; something they always have little of. Secretly, she wishes she’ll wake up one day and have more than enough of it. But until then, she lives off the hope that one day they’ll meet again under happier, more peaceful terms.


	3. Chapter 3

A year after peace is restored to the galaxy, Rey dreams of an island in the middle of the ocean. Not Luke’s island, nor any she has seen during her journey. But a new one, unfamiliar and different, she dreams of exploring the land.

These dreams continue every night. Until one night, she runs into _him._

Is it a force-connection? Is it an illusion?

She tries to speak, but her words make no sound. And yet despite it, he acts as if he hears her. He doesn’t speak. He doesn’t try to move away.

Rey reaches out for him, eager to feel his skin under her finger tips. She wants to proof that he’s tangible, that he’s not a dream.

And when her hands finally make contact, they are rewarded by the feeling of quilted cloth over firm muscle.

His eyes roam longingly over her face. His lips move but no sound comes out.

Rey shakes her head. She doesn’t understand. But the next moment he holds her in his arms.

They hold her to his chest, tightly. She feels her eyes close.

When she opens them again, she is alone in her bed.

Outside her bedroom, she can hear the sound of wildlife and remembers where she is.

A strange, empty feeling overcomes her and she stays in bed a little longer.

Rey wakes with a stiffness in her bones.

She winces as she wakes, her joints ache from years of hard use and age.

She stares at her ceiling, absently remembering that there are no drills to run, no remaining First Order soldiers to round up, no more Sith to outrun.

That’s all in the past now. Twenty years in the past.

Rey inhales slowly, relieved that it was all real, that the galaxy was safe.

She sits up in her bed-alone-and thinks of what she’ll do with her morning.

Time and circumstance had placed her friends in very unlikely places and yet everyone felt as if they were where they needed to be.

For Rey, that was starting up the Jedi temple again. It felt like her duty to train and shape the next generation of Jedi. She wanted to teach people the importance of fighting for justness but more importantly, to remind everyone that out there, there was a home and a family.

That thought alone was enough to motivate her out of bed. Even after twenty years, she still felt the same excitement she had as a young woman. To teach, to learn; after so many years she had finally found her calling.

When she finally emerges from her room, she is greeted by her usual students.

Breakfast is served how it always is. Things run as they always have.

The morning soon becomes so mundane, so average that it had makes her afternoon a near planet-shattering event.

“Visitor for you, Master Rey-,”

She turns to receive her guest. “Come in, I was just having some-,”

Her words melt into the air.

“Ben-,”

“Don’t stop on my account. The tea smells…wonderful,”

She approaches him cautiously.

Surely her eyes are deceiving her. There, standing in front of her is Ben Solo. A little older, a little grayer, bearded and solemn.

She reaches out to touch him and the apparition before her smiles in the same half-hearted way Ben had.

“I’m not a ghost,” Kylo mumbles.

“I’m not sure I believe you,” Rey mumbles back.

As if to prove it, Kylo reaches back and touches her hand. Rey looks at his hand, seeing it bare. She feels the warmth from his fingertips radiate into her own.

“I’m-where have you been?” Rey asks.

“Everywhere. It’s a lot to tell,” Kylo says.

Rey offers him a seat which he takes with great pains, literally.

She can hear the crunch and crackle of his joints and bones as he eases himself into his chair, much like she hears in her own body.

They begin where they had ended.

Kylo details his escape from what she had thought was his death. She listens to his escapades on different planets, different worlds. He visits the places that served as homes to his family on the course of their adventures and to places so far from civilization not even the strongest of communication signals can reach. Every word is music to Rey’s ears. Even as a Master Jedi and former Resistance fighter, she realizes she still has much of the universe to explore. She hopes she can someday soon.

When Kylo is finished with his story, he waits patiently for Rey to respond and when she doesn’t he responds for her.

“I know what you want to say, should you say it or should I?” he asks, his tone sounding familiar.

“Why did you come back-,” they say in unison.

Kylo crosses his arms and shrugs, “There are a lot of reasons,”

“Well, first of all, thank you for doing so. I’ve wanted to thank you properly for the help you’ve given to the resistance all these years. Sometimes I wondered where we would be without you,” Rey says softly.

Kylo’s face softens as he leans forward, “I didn’t do it for them,”

Rey is quiet as he continues.

“A long time ago, on that metal scrap heap in the sea, can you remember the place-?” He asks, his voice as delicate as a snowflake. Rey nods her head. “Do you remember what I told you?”

In her head, Rey can hear Kylo’s words…

_I’d rather watch it all burn…_

She nods her head once more and takes a deep breath, “Is that why you helped us?”

Kylo nods in agreement. “Trust me, I wouldn’t do it for anything else,”

“That’s so…” Rey’s voice trails off.

“Say it-,”

“ _Disappointing,_ ”

Kylo’s face is placid, his expression is expectant.

“All this time I had believed you were helping us because you had finally understood. But…you haven’t,”

“Who says?” Kylo asks, his tone almost amused.

Rey looks at him with pleading eyes, “Tell me that not all you did for the Resistance was for me. Tell me that there was something else that inspired you to help,”

“I don’t lie to you, Rey”

The woman’s mouth pulled into a taut line. Kylo reached out and covered her small hand with his, “Is that a such a bad thing?”

“It can be,” Rey answered, “To follow someone so blindly, to be so loyal…it can be,”

Kylo took her hand in his and held it. His eyes didn’t leave their hands as he spoke, “I spent so much of my life angry and lost, following the wrong man, the wrong cause. Don’t hate me or be disappointed in me now that I’ve found something… _good,_ ”

Kylo looks up at her, his eyes are once again alive, vibrant. In them she can see Han’s cynicism, Leia’s perseverance, Luke’s passion, and underneath it all she sees someone else.

“Why have you cut yourself off from the Force?” Rey asks.

“I couldn’t risk you finding me, not when I was so… _weak_ ,” Kylo starts, “I needed to be alone, truly alone,” He looks at her again. The corners of his eyes are wrinkled, weathered by age. The long, winding scar from all those years ago remain. The lines are faint now and are mostly hidden under his beard. She reaches out to touch them. Her finger tips trace the raised, smooth edges of skin. Her mind makes her wonder about the other scars she’s left. She remembers his knee, his arm, his chest.

The thought of hurting him suddenly overwhelms her. The thought of him lying alone in some damp cave somewhere in the galaxy tending to his own wounds brings tears to her eyes.

He could have been tended to by doctors on the ship. He could have trained with the Resistance, helped them take down the Sith, help restore order to the galaxy…he could have been with her.

Kylo stifles a laugh. His thumb comes up to her cheek and wipes away a stray tear. “What’s the matter?,”

“Nothing, I’m just-,” Rey fumbles for words, “We lost so much…”

“It was me. There was too much darkness-,”

“-The goodness was inside you, you just couldn’t see it,” Rey says, her voice is as soft as snowfall.

“But you did-,”

“After some time,” Rey adds.

Kylo’s hands release Rey’s. He interlocks his fingers together and rests his hands in his lap. “I came here to talk-,” Rey does not interrupt him, instead she waits patiently for him to speak. “I’m not good with this. I’m sorry-,”

Rey’s brows knit together in confusion. “I came here for you,” Kylo admits. “I still believe we belong together, whatever that means for us now…”

Rey feels her body shudder. She doesn’t know what to say, if there _was_ anything to say. When her silence goes on for too long, Kylo stands.

“I’ve made a mistake, haven’t I? I expected too much-,” he says, turning from her.

Rey stands with him and pauses, thinking out her next move. She inhales deeply and takes his large hand in both of hers.

“No-no Ben, you haven’t made a mistake,” Rey assures.

Kylo looks at her again and his eyes are practically glowing. She sees shades of his family, yes. But then there’s something else. That new person again, the someone’s she’s never met but the someone’s who’s taken over Kylo Ren’s body. She realizes then it’s not someone new. It’s someone who’s come back.

It’s Ben Solo.

“That good thing you’ve found, Ben…What is it?” Rey asks.

The last remnant of Kylo disintegrates. It’s as if Rey can see a shadow melt away and it uncovers Ben. Finally, after all these years.

A small smile graces his lips. It’s subtle at first and then it softens into something rueful and finally bittersweet. “It’s you,”

Rey turns him to face her and is reminded of how much physically taller he is. He peers down at her with that same nervous look he had just after they fought the Praetorians. Right before he asked her to rule with him, he had nearly shook with fear and excitement.

Back then, Rey had to refuse. He was still angry, still hurt, still _Sith_.

But now, things were different. They were different.

 _Could it work now?_ Rey ponders.

_Should I give it a chance?_

“I never let you in,” Rey says, “I never gave you a chance,”

“You had good reason,”

“Maybe if…maybe if I had tried harder things would have been different,”

 _Ben_ shrugs, “Or maybe they would have been exactly the same,”. Tenderly, Ben lifts Rey’s chin with a finger. “There’s no changing the past. Let it die. Kill it if you have to-,”

“-That’s the only way you can become who you’re meant to be,” Rey finishes, “Yes…yes I know,”

She closes her eyes and gathers him in her arms. She feels his body stiffen and then relax and then eventually he returns her gesture. His arms wrap around her, tight and strong as she had always imagined.

“My place is here,” Rey says, still shrouded in his arms. “I’m not leaving,”

“I’m not asking you to just let me be with you…where ever you go,”

“There’s so much to catch up on,” Rey mumbles into his arm.

“Then let’s start now,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted this out before the last movie was released. If it feels disjointed and rough, it's bc its is girlfriend
> 
> My take on Reylo:
> 
> Seeing as they're supposed to be two halves of the same person; it's no wonder why narratively there's so much in common between them. Kylo is an emotional orphan, Rey is a literal one. They're both these aimless wanderers pegged to one side of war but have not real identity on their own. Thus they find common ground in the alienation and uncertainty they feel. I think this makes a basis for a good friendship. And when they come into their own and finally find out who they are as people first, then I think they can become a couple. In my headcannon, this doesn't happen until well into their middle age. Kylo I headcanon to be the same age as his actor, same with Rey. So despite being mid 30s and late 20s, there's still a lot of emotional maturity to be achieved. 
> 
> I might revisit this some day (as in like...3 to 4 weeks from now after I watch the last movie and am inspired agai, lol) and re-write/touch up some finer points. But until then leave me a comment, I love hearing what you guys think.


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